The Kvetch is a parody of the Charge Of The Goddess, which is as follows:

The Charge Of The Goddess

Listen to the words of the Great Mother, who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana, Arienrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:

Whenever you have need of anything, once in the month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me who is Queen of all the Wise. You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites. Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth. For My law is love unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens upon the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the Cauldron of Cerridwen that is the holy grail of immortality. I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before. Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the mother of all things and My love is poured upon the earth.

Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of whose feet are the hosts of heaven, whose body encircles the universe:

I who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul to arise and come unto Me. For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return. Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold -- all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.

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and here is...

The Kvetch

Come, kinderlech, come, nosh a bissel, sit and listen to your Mama, She Who Knows Best--what do you mean, why do I know best? Because I'm you're mother, that's why! Now sit and listen, after all the aggravation I've had with you! Oy! But you're a good kid, so I don't mind all the tsoris. Of course, it would help if you were going to school for a real degree ...

Oy, what was I going to say? You made me lose track. Oh yes...Sit and listen to your Mama, who has been known by many names, oy, so many names, if I sat here and listed them all, we'd be here all day, so I won't bother you; after all, why should a mother ever bother her children?

Now, whenever you have need of anything, and of course even if you don't need anything, you can always call me. It's not that hard to pick up a telephone, is it? But you do, so I don't complain. But at least once a month, is that so much to ask? And do it at the full moon, that's best; that way there's light, and you won't kill yourself wandering out in those woods, God forbid. So get together, have a cup of tea and some cookies, so you won't be hungry, first, and then meet in some place people won't see you and the mishegoss you do, and realize you really are meshuggeneh, and adore the spirit of Me, She Who Really Does Know Best. I will not have my children be slaves--you will be free, whether you want to or not, because if you really loved me, you would do it--and as a sign of this--what, you really think I would tell you to get undressed? Fine Mother I would be, to tell you, go get pneumonia in the woods! Stupid idea, to be freezing cold in the middle of nowhere, without a stitch of clothing on! And I didn't raise my children to be idiots! No, what you should do is, get out the charge cards, that's what they're there for, and get some clothes you won't be ashamed of, something that's newer than the yard sale from two years ago. You're a bigshot, you can afford it--and of course if you see something that might fit me, it wouldn't hurt to get it, I can always return it if I don't like it. And while I'm thinking of it, you really need a new haircut. I don't mean to criticize, but how many decades have you been wearing that style? Is it two or three? Now where was I? Oh yes, you're meeting in some verkuckte God forsaken place no one has heard and you have to spend an hour trying to find the right street to turn onto, and when you get there you still aren't sure if this is the right place because everyone else is even more verblondjet than you are, and won't show up for another hour anyway. But you get there, you're patient, you learned it from me, I admit, and when you are all together you have a nosh, you sing, you have a nosh, you dance--not these strange newfangled dances with that trashy music, but good music, like we had when I was your age--you have a nosh, you meet a nice person and do what you want, but I don't want to know about it; just be careful, I don't need a grandchild that badly--well I do, come to think of it, you're not getting any younger you know, and when are you going to meet someone, please ?! And whatever you do, don't do anything that people will talk about; you know those nosy neighbors. And don't worry about me, I'll be home waiting up for you; stay as late as you want, I'll be okay by myself. Just have fun, and make your spirit ecstatic as they say, be joyful of the earth, and I'll be fine. It will give me a chance to read that Danielle Steele book I've had by my bed for the last year. I don't need to go out and have fun; I'm not a spring chicken anymore, after all. Which reminds me, the doctor says I need to watch my cholesterol. Do you know any good diet books?

What do you mean, how should you act at these silly things? Just love everybody and everything: that's what your Mother wants you to do; after all, that's the secret to staying young and living forever. And believe me, sometimes it's really does seem like it's been forever. My arthritis is killing me! That Cauldron Ceridwen gave me must be losing its oomph, you know, the one that he gave me for my birthday a couple of years ago, the one I use to drink wine from? You suppose maybe it's from when I put in the dishwasher?

So listen to your Mother, She Who Knows Best: I know everything, that's why I'm your mother, and I can still spank you if I wanted to. But I wouldn't want to hurt my precious baby. I give the knowledge of how to make good knaidlech, and what to put in the cholent, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before--yecch, how morbid! Who wrote this mishegoss? Eugene O'Neill? No, if you want that you have to please your mother. I don't ask for anything, or at least, I don't ask for much; after all I know you love me, even if you do give me all that aggravation. Just a little peace and quiet is all I ask from you, and maybe you can settle down finally and give me a grandchild? I'm not getting any younger, you know. I would like to see a grandchild before I move to Sun City or Century Village. Is that too much for your mother to ask? No?

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boom boom